when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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