yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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