what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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