I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize