I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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