he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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