my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
