I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
