Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
