So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
