the condom got lost in my hair
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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