I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
