Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
