I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
