god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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