I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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