i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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