My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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