I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
