just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
