the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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