there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
