I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
