i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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