I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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