don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
