I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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