"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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