Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
