Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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