I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize