just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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