Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
