I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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