Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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