I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
