I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
