where am i from again
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
