I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
