Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
