yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
