Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
