sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
