mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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