never play flip cup with pint glasses
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
