I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
