Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just invented taco cereal.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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