turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
