im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize