I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
