i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
