I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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