Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
