You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
A bitchslap is in order.
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