you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize