I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
