You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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