My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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