I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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