I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
